Oh Crap - Not Another Celebrity DUI

So Nicole Ritchie has been arrested for driving under the influence - not alcohol, of course that would be way to cheap. But she was completely out of it when arrested and now faces a media feeding frenzy.

It follows on the heels of Paris Hilton's brush with the law which resulted in thousands of hours of television coverage and acres of newsprint.

Lindsay Lohan has also been in the news for drunk driving and is reportedly wearing an ankle bracelet to monitor her alcohol consumption.

There is nothing funny about alcohol and drug abuse and it's especially unfunny when you try to drive. You turn your car into a lethal weapon.

But I get the feeling that none of this has anything to do with a celebrity cry for help. Nicole Ritchie is just pissed off at the publicity Paris Hilton gained and wants some for herself. Lindsay doesn't care about the ankle bracelet though I bet she wishes it was by the right designer.

Celebrities assume there is no bad publicity - just publicity and that is the air they breathe. They can afford rehab so the judge will go easy on them when they show up in court and demonstrate they are trying to mend their ways. Above all they have clever lawyers who will make sure the sentence is the least possible.

Meanwhile the poor schmucks who can't afford the rehab and the lawyers will get a jail sentence for sure.

What a pisser. It makes me want to go and drown my sorrows.

UFO Disguised As A Cloud

This guy claims to have seen UFOs disguised as clouds and has the video and photographic evidence to prove it - or maybe he just saw clouds.

Watching clouds is a great and wonderful pastime when you just want to relax but please ... UFOs?

What a pillock!



UFO DISGUISED AS A CLOUD - The best bloopers are a click away

It's Cool Being An Engineer

This is a great piece of video.



I'm sorry to disappoint anyone who thinks it's real or put together by a non-professional. Sadly it's an advert for the Norwegian Hydro company trying to show how cool it is to be an engineer and probably cost a small fortune.

It's fantastic though - and apparently there are two of them in the series. I haven't found the other yet

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Yeah - why not some thoughts for the day?

10. Life is sexually transmitted.

9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

6. Some people are like a Slinky…not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

2. In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT:

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Bet We Couldn't Do This

Not only only could we not do this but the guy who pulled off this amazing shot couldn't do it again - I wonder how many times it took before it went in.


http://view.break.com/316051 - Watch more free videos

It Happened In Monterey

This video shows a witch flying over Monterey in Mexico. There is no other explanation.

As all Monty Python fans know witches are made of wood. This flying object also appears to be wood. Ergo it is a witch.

QED

Virginia Tech - Who Is To Blame?

This blog won't weary you with a rant about who is to blame for the massacre at Virginia Tech. The Blame Game has started and we are indebted to Cynical-C Blog for an initial list of candidates.

The list will grow as all sides argue, 'Our view was the right one and yours is wrong.' Their politicking ignores the families of the dead who are left to deal with the aftermath of a monstrous act.

To an outsider the ease with which Americans can arm themselves is incredible. Seemingly with few controls they are able to possess weapons that are designed for the battlefield.

It is their constitutional right, of course. But it seems that to retain this right they are happy to pay with an occasional senseless massacre. That's the American Way.

Westboro Baptist Church Says Thank God For IEDs

Westboro Baptist Church continues to sicken the world with its brand of Christianity.

They already picket the funerals of American soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan because they are fighting for a 'faggot-enabling nation'.

This clip thanks God for IEDs - Improvised Explosive Devices - and praises God for sending America's young people home in body bags.

George Bush - Towering Intellect or Moron?

Much has been said about George Bush's lack of intelligence but it can't all be true, can it?

Hell no, the man is wonderful and his gaffes are merely post-modern irony. Any right thinking person can see that.

Unfortunately there are fewer and fewer right thinking people around these days so the stupidity tag looks like it's going to stick.

Never mind Mr President - it's all water off a lame duck's back.

Gordon Brown: New Labour's Bogeyman

Labour's pick for next Prime Minister is likely to be Gordon Brown. Pick is the operative word and drilling in the nasal passages the order of the day.

Never mind that Gordon might represent something more old Labour (but not much more) than Tony Blair - that isn't his real claim to being a bogeyman. Have a look at at the major excavation work he undertakes while Tony addresses the House of Commons.

It must be difficult to pay attention during parliamentary work but surely he could find something a more seemly than ramming a finger up the snout all the way to the wrist.

Stripping In A Flash

They say everyone has a talent. My own is the ability to swallow my own head but that's another story.

This guy comes from Japan which has a talent for making things smaller and better. Why they want to undress so quickly is beyond me.

The video looks like it might Japanese version of "The Gong Show" where even the most talentless could become famous.

Just like a Big brother contestant.

Drunk Or Not Drunk? - That Is The Question

Too many people die because of accidents caused by drunk drivers. Most people would try to stop a drunk from driving or call the cops.

But what if you're not drunk but look drunk? Here is a guy who has been pulled over so many times he's pissed off and then some.

He has cerebral palsy - a disability that makes him walk unsteadily. As a result good citizens are calling the cops on him all the time without realising. And the cops do their duty by pulling him over.

That would be a pain anyway but when he ends up getting fined $200 because of one of these misunderstandings .... WTF.

Monty Python was right - life's a piece of shit, when you think of it.

Jesus Rode A Dinosaur

This comes from something called the 'Beginner's Bible Colouring Book'.



Notice that this is page 8 of this wonderful piece of children's literature so someone, somewhere must have the rest of it. If anyone knows where to get a copy please let us know. The world should be allowed to read more.

Stained Glass Evolution

Wouldn't you just love to go into a church and see this?



Photoshop is such a wonderful toy!

Kurt Cobain Eat Your Heart Out - Then Blow Your Brains Out

This has to be the definitive version of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'. Never mind Kurt Cobain's brainless version - these guys know how to do a good tune.

And as a bonus you can make out the words - and realise they make little sense.

Man Playing Piano With His Balls

Whoever heard of a man playing piano with his balls. As this clip shows anything is possible with practice.

Sex Education Videos As They Used To Be

Sex education in schools is a perennial topic of controversy so it is good to see the wonderful people at You Tube joining in by giving so much exposure to this video.

It is from the marvelous Harry Enfield and was made back in the 1990s and parodies those patronising public information films that used to be made in in the old days.

I'm not old enough to remember them but I am old enough to remember the attitudes. I had a Catholic education and was taught by a priest. It was a bit like being given driving lessons by someone who couldn't drive but had read a book about it.

I can remember a priest during a sex education lesson saying he always knew there was a difference between boys and girls but he couldn't put his finger on it. Naturally, my class of randy fourteen year olds saw the double meaning and the priest was left wondering what the joke was.

Is This a Martian Skull?

This looks like a humanoid skull in a photograph taken by the Mars lander. You can see more clearly on the enlarged versions that there seem to be eye sockets and a nose. It is as if the mouth is partly under the ground and there is a skeleton buried beneath.

Wait a minute - a skeleton under the ground and a mouth? You just have to be careful what you see and what you think you see. The human mind will add details to make sense of images like this.

It might look human and there might be a skeleton but it could just as easily be a piece of rock eroded into this shape. There are examples on earth too of strangely shaped rocks that are just rocks and nothing else.




It doesn't stop these photos being fascinating and you can find more examples at Mars Anomaly Research.

If You See Sheep........You Need Glasses

Anything for a laugh, that's me.

David Copperfield Chased By Cops?

The driver of this car is not David Copperfield but certainly behaves like him when it comes to tricking the viewer.

Cops want to pull over the driver for a minor offence and instead of stopping he takes off at high speed. Police follow in hot pursuit and chase him around town.

It has all the ingredients of one of those "idiot tries to escape the law and writes off his car and himself" videos that we see regularly.

This one is different. Watch it through to the end and you will see that he appears to drive through a fence without leaving a hole or any sort of damage.

David Copperfield would have been proud of that piece of trickery and the cops now call it the "ghost car".

I won't be losing sleep wondering if there are ghost cars around though. But it's a nice little puzzle.

Always Be Careful When You're Washing An Elephant

This is one of those things that happens once in a million times. A guy gets his head stuck up an elephant's ass.

I know we shouldn't laugh - but can you help it?

Room Enough To Swing A Cat

Some people say cats are stupid. They must be. They are never out of trouble and always seem to come back for more.

This is just not true. I have had cats at home for many years and they come in all shapes, sizes and degrees of intelligence.

The cat in this clip is not stupid. It's only being helpful. Someone said that there wasn't enough room to swing a cat in here and the cat wanted to show that wasn't true. Simple really.

Women - Know Your Limits!

With luck this piece will enrage some pseudo-feminists. The real feminists will be laughing their heads off.

I remember watching this way back in the dark days before the war. The war on terrorism, that is.

It's from one of Harry Enfield's shows and if I can find some Mr Cholmondley-Warner and his friend, Grayson, I will put that on the blog too.

The One That Got Away - On a Bicycle

The mind of a criminal is difficult to understand at the best of times. The mind of a criminal being chased by the cops defies belief.

A bad guy (or girl) will try to get away by car. There are many great movie scenes based on the idea.

Getting away by motor bike is a classic idea too. Remember Steve McQueen in 'The Great Escape'. I know he wasn't being chased by the police and he was the good guy but you get the picture.

At least in something motorized you have a chance to get away but the guy in this clip has no chance. He's riding a push-bike.

Elliot and the boys had ET to help but this idiot only has the power of his legs. And still he keeps pedaling.

An Experiment in Extra Sensory Perception

This is just a little experiment in ESP - Extra Sensory Perception. At the end you will see the future.

I want you to close your eyes and clear your mind of all thoughts for just a few seconds. While you do it I want you to breath slowly and deeply.

After about a minute watch this video. You will know exactly what happens at the end - guaranteed.

Britain doesn't get to see Tony Blair doing a 'State of the Union' address. It is a great pity because it gives us all a chance to muck about with the original and give us a real laugh.

What is troubling about this mixed up address is that some people might think it is the real thing. It isn't - or is it?

You know I'm not sure any more.

PMS - What to do in an emergency

There is no man in a heterosexual relationship who has not been the victim of PMS. We men are fascinated by women in a kind of sad and baffled way at the best of times. Coping with the added conundrum of PMS is just too much for us.

So at last there is some clear and concise advice that we can all benefit from.

Thank God for 'You Tube'.

Mastercard Advertising - Priceless

Don't we all love the MasterCard advertising campaign?

You know how it goes. Motel room 100 dollars. Sex with a hooker - 200 dollars. Sexually transmitted disease - priceless.

This one is funny. It's rock and roll. And it's an unexpected ending.

MasterCard will never officially show them but these spoofs get them huge exposure on the net for free - probably more than the paid advertising.

And bloggers like me fall for it every time. What a jerk.

Did you ever try this in an exam?

My school days were like the Stanford Experiment which gives me a low opinion of teachers. So it really raises my spirits when I see someone piss off a teacher and get away with it.

This is dedicated to all those students who work hard and succeed despite the best efforts of their teachers.

Princess Leia - Shocking Sex Tape

Paris Hilton shocked the world with her sex tape - well, her sleazy ex-boyfriend, Rick Saloman, helped . Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee pushed the boat out with one. The lovely and refined Katie Price aka Jordan wobbled her way through one too.

Revealed on Vimeo.com is the most shocking of them all - Princess Leia. With every celebrity doing a sex tape the intergalactic beauty queen is almost honour bound to have one leaked.

The most shocking part is her choice of partner - none other than her own father, the wheezing villain Darth Vader himself.

Watch it if you dare.



Princess Leia Celebrity Sex Tape on Vimeo

George and Condi and Abbott and Costello

This is one of the funniest videos I've seen on the net recently. You might think it's just another dig at George Dubya but really it's a very clever piece of writing.

Have a look.



Older visitors will recognise the type of cross-talk from many years ago when Abbott and Costello were at their best - and I mean very best. Remember, "Who's on first?"

Homophobia - The Pat Robertson Assessment

In Britain we just don't know what it is to have an evangelist on on television. We don't know about Christianity having an influence the way it does in America - unless you live in Northern Ireland, where the Reverend Ian Paisley has been (unintentionally) the best recruiting sergeant the IRA ever had.

But in America Pat Robertson has been preaching his faith for many a long year and Americans have been listening. This is just a little clip to show what he stands for.

Weapon Of Choice - Fatboy Slim

This video is not nonsense. It is not weird. It is not strange.

So why is it here?

Because it is marvelous.

Fatboy Slim has made a career of taking little bits of music others tossed away years ago and making them his own. Christopher Walken is one of the most powerful and intense actors on screen. It is unusual to find him in a pop video but it works.

Have a look - and enjoy 'Weapon Of Choice'.

The Force Turns On Chewbacca

The Los Angeles police force have arrested Chewbacca. Apparently he was asking tourists for money and eventually head-butted one.




Chewbacca is not the first Star Wars character to have fallen on hard times. An eagle-eyed camera man caught this wheezing fiend on the streets of New York.

Bush and Hitler - Same Shit, Different Asshole?

The web allows so much diversity of opinion it is difficult to decide what is the truth. Is Bush like Hitler? Definitely, according to this video.




Is Bush like Hitler? Definitely not, according to this video.





It's so difficult to tell. All I can say is Bush comes from a sound American family with a heritage stretching back many years. Isn't there a saying to the effect that the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. I am sure George Dubya Bush follows in the footsteps of his forefathers.

UFO Over .........

Isn't it strange that a blog devoted to nonsense hasn't included anything about UFOs? Until now.

Alright, so maybe the truth is out there but there's an awful lot of BS as well. I'm not sure but I suspect this video might - just might - be suspect.




On the other hand what do you make of this? The real action comes at the end - what is that behind the street lamp?



You might like to read this translation of interviews with the boys from Google News.

Useless Proverbs .com

This site describes itself as the most pointless site on the internet. It isn't. Who can say they have not taken the advice on offer here? For example, "Never take an elephant to the cinema.". I know I haven't and I know only a few people who have.

Clearly this site is more use to the world than it imagines and I recommend it to everyone. Its authors should recall one of its own proverbs, "An ambitious cow won't build is nest in a lawnmower". Wise words indeed.

This Boy Has Two Fathers

The Netherlands is famous for its liberalism so it isn't surprising to see this clip from Dutch television. I don't know what the show is but this boy sings about his two fathers. It's a catchy tune and really cheesy but we can take it can't we?



Who knows how long it will be before he appears on Blue Peter singing in English? Britain can't even get to grips with gay adoption so probably a long way in the future.

What's wrong with the idea of two gay men looking after a baby anyway? They probably know plenty about putting talcum powder on a sore bottom.

White House Press Conference in 2012

A look forward to life in the White House in 2012. The most disturbing thing is the way events are unfolding it may not be completely wrong.



By the way, visit Outside The Box at alexansary.com if you like this sort of stuff.

Get Your Balls Out Of My Face

The trouble with a lot of outdoor leisure time is that it involves the use of the spherical object. And the next big problem is the number of times you get one in the face.

George Dubya Bush drinking - Who would have thought?

The world knows George Dubya Bush has a drink problem and well done to him if he has overcome it.

But do you ever get the sneaking suspicion that all is not what it seems. The camera never lies as this video shows



Okay - you can make anyone appear drunk if you slow down the tape. But why go to the trouble when you can get the real thing if you look around.



Only in America .....

Why would anybody be anti-American?

America is the most powerful nation in the world economically and militarily but why should that make anyone anti-American? If power is used wisely then there should be no problems. Isn't the world lucky to have American voters like these deciding the world's future?



On second thoughts maybe we're not so lucky.

Spongebob Mountain - The love that dare not speak its name

The love that dare not speak its name has made into the pre-school kids market.

I haven't seen Spongbob Squarepants cos I haven't been three years old for a long time. And I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain cos I don't like cowboy movies. (Seriously, I could watch a gay love story but when it comes to cowboys - bliiiaaaggghhh!)

Anyway this little trailer is very funny and if you think you'll be offended then don't watch it. And if you watch it after that warning and are offended then you're an idiot.



Anyway some kid's shows have sexual undertones if you look hard enough. Didn't the British show, Captain Pugwash, have characters called Master Bates and Seaman Stains? (No, actually - but it's funny how we remember things wrongly)

And then there's "Rainbow", the classic British children's series from the 1970s and 1980s. It would be great if this was a broadcast episode and nobody realised how much innuendo they were using. But it was never broadcast and was a tape put together for a laugh and then leaked - it was internet media's gain when it was.

Jimmy Jones for President

The American child is suckled on the breast of democracy from an early age and from an early age he or she learns that the freedoms their forefathers fought for have to be exercised from the beginning or they wither and die.

And like their adult counterparts they love to smear their opponents - it seem that as the American toddler learns to walk so they learn to put the boot in.



Mom and Dad are having a joke, right?

Fred Phelps - Only in America

Pastor Fred Phelps means very little if you are a British reader of this blog. We aren't used to the sort of fire and brimstone preaching this guy is famous for. We hear our clergy preach 'God is Love' but they have it all wrong. According to Pastor Phelps, 'God is Hate' and he has the proof.



America's comedians and satirists love him. He is such an easy target to lampoon and they don't have to write a script - he sets himself up in his own preaching.



Fred Phelps is right. God Hates America - that's why it has Pastor Fred Phelps.

A Million Thank Yous

Do you ever feel the world is a terrible place? Here we all are spinning around on this wondrous globe going about our business and what do we get? Well not very much when you think of it. Some of us are lucky to do what we like or get paid a lot of money or get some fame or happiness. I don't know who these people are but I would surely like to be one of them.

For the rest of us life is nasty, brutish and short and for all the things that we do - all the good things - do we get any thanks? Even a little acknowledgment that something we did was really helpful would be nice - fat chance.

It's a good thing we have blogging to compensate for the lack of recognition and more to the point we can find lots of lovely sites that make our day. Which is why you should check out A Million Thank Yous

You won't get to a million but a few dozen might be enough to give you the strength to get through the day.

America - Where next?

Where next for America? No it isn't a question about their political direction but the simple question, "In terms of the war against terror who should be the next country to invade?"

These guys want to invade everybody and anybody including their allies and come across as ignorant and stupid.

Thank God we have an American President of intellect and restraint in the White House - don't we?

Iraqi Athletes Deny 'Head in the Sand' Attitude to Olympics

With their nation approaching civil war it is heart warming to know the Olympic spirit has not been quenched in Iraq. Here the Iraqi high diving team continue their preparations for the Beijing Olympics despite the lack of facilities.

Wii Wii Wii - All the Way Home

Like a lot of the world's kids - the big ones as well - a girlfriend's son got a Wii for Christmas. Whoopee! - I just couldn't wait to get my hands on it.

Sadly my chance to show my prowess had to wait a week - when I visited he was in his room with his friends playing with it (his Wii, I mean).

The following week the kids were banished and the adults could try it out and it just shows how badly out of shape we must be. I'm glad I knocked out my boxing opponent in two rounds cos I think I would have collapsed in the third - not virtually but for real.

So there is speculation that this new development could mean couch potato gamers might actually get some exercise. Somehow I doubt it - let's face it some are so lazy they will simply choose games need little movement. The golf game on the Wii basic package can be played with one hand if you are want.

Another thing - I can see a new phenomenon in doctor's surgeries. Sports injuries from playing Wii too much. It's very possible - I felt a twinge in my arm the next day just from playing tennis so a really dedicated player could get a bad case of Wii elbow.

Anyway all of this blabbering is just an excuse to include a little video from the wonderful people at You Tube.

Enjoy.

Jedi Squirrels Terrorise Neighbourhood Parks

Park officials are becoming increasingly worried about the activity of squirrels in London's Hyde Park. Spokesperson Luke Nofurther said, "It was bad enough having to watch them nibbling their nuts but this is serious. They seem to be fighting among themselves."

He explained, "At first it seemed to be just playful but now they have all gotten light sabres - I blame the big asthmatic one in the black cloak."


Passers-by have also become worried. One said, "The kiddies loved to watch their antics but since the fencing started it's been hell. My little boy wants to join them and conquer the known universe. I want him to finish Key Stage Three first."

The latest development is the unusual construction work going on near the Serpentine Lido. Luke Nofurther said, "They seem to have brought in some Polish squirrels to build something. Obviously it was a bigger job than the domestic squirrels could handle. There are rumours that it might be a new Death Star."

JFK - The Truth is Out There, Far Out There

A new conspiracy theory about the deaths of John F Kennedy and his 'assassin' has emerged after a new photograph of Lee Harvey Oswald's 'murder'. The photograph clearly shows Ruby did not shoot Oswald as alleged but was a close friend and a mean guitarist. What is supposed to be a murder is actually an impromptu performance of 'Jailhouse Rock.'



American tabloid journalist, Saul Bollux, claims, "This is the truth - all those photos were clearly doctored to lead us a merry dance. Oswald was a singer - and a very good one too - but knew there was no future for his career back in the USSR. That's why he returned to Dallas."

Kennedy first met Oswald in the 1950s in a gay bar in Boston, Mass. "He was just seventeen - you know what I mean.", Bollux continued. "Kennedy was tiring of politics and wanted to escape. Pop music was the answer and his new gay lover offered that escape. But his father, Joe, wanted him to be President."

After his election the scene was set for JFK to engineer his own disappearance using Kennedy dollars and CIA know-how, claims Bollux. "Oswald was not the patsy - it was Jack Ruby. People have been sent to prison for crimes they didn't commit but his was a crime that didn't happen - his lawyer should have pointed it out but he was obviously in the pay of the Kennedys"

"The plan was to make everyone think JFK was dead and that his assassin was murdered - and it worked. The conspiracy theories only added to the myth. The truth is both Kennedy and Oswald left for a new life in Poughkeepsie, New York, where they had a little gay night club. Kennedy would often don pearls and twinset and Oswald his best tuxedo. They would sing duets from the Steve Lawrence and Edie Gorme songbook till the early hours."

"They were a local sensation. J Edgar Hoover was a regular but didn't approve of the cross-dressing - pearls weren't his jewelry of choice."

But what about the Zapruder film? "Zapruder-Schmapruder - the film was left in a vault for years until the technology was developed to make it look like Kennedys brain exploded like a pumpkin. All the time he was living it up in the fleshpots of Poughkeepsie while Oswald sang Elvis songs - he was one of the all-time great Elvis impersonators"

If accepted the theory of Saul Bollux looks like overturning every account of the Kennedy assassination the public has ever heard.

"This is the truth, man - everything else is just a footnote in history."